Oh, how I laughed out loud when I read this. The Onion is such fun.
“I know you’ve been really excited about helping us ever since that whole ‘Save the Whales’ craze began back in the ’70s,” the whale said. “But I think we can agree that the past 35 years have basically been a death march, so let’s just part ways.”
“We had a good run,” added the creature, who requires 1.5 million calories each day to survive. “But species come and go. It’s a natural cycle and we are at peace with it.”
The consortium of blue whales admitted they had begun beaching themselves on purpose, and ordered the environmentalists to stop wasting time organizing volunteers who only prevent the suicidal creatures from experiencing the sweet release of death. They also urged the activists to end their practice of collecting signatures for petitions and to put their efforts into something that has a chance of succeeding, such as saving historic buildings.
I just don’t read the Onion enough, apparently. I need to make it a habit.